It's strange what things can motivate us to great lengths, and what fails to even hit the radar. Take my extreme lack of libido as an example. I don't want to have sex anymore. Ever. However, I really, really want to want to have sex. Unfortunately, this was like wanting to not want sugary foods - desperately desired, but not forthcoming. I'm just not interested in sex. I'm not even interested in jacking off most of the time. Confession - as of today, I've had exactly 3 spontaneous jack-off sessions (i.e. not "ok, time to go review these toys" chore-turned-orgasm sessions) in the last two months... and two were in the last week. I just couldn't bring myself to "bother" to jack off.
I had a thousand good reasons that I should force myself to start masturbating again. First of all, I know very well that the more often I jerk off, the more I'll want to jerk off, and the better I'll feel. (actually, it's a lot like working out that way... but I digress) I knew that it would help with the stress, the anxiety attacks, the joint pain, the beginnings of what may be depression... It would be a damn good panacea for what ails me. I knew that when I jack off, I feel like a sexual being again, and that's an important first step.
And I just couldn't be bothered to give a damn. I wasn't having sex. So? I didn't have a sex drive, so it didn't bother me to go without sex. Once in a blue moon I'd manage to feel a twinge of arousal at the right time, and bam! We'd have sex, it would be awesome, I'd orgasm my brains out, we'd cuddle and kiss and reconnect and revitalize our relationship... and then we'd go another few months without sex.
What finally motivated me to start trying to get myself interested in jerking off again was not me - it was my boyfriend. While cuddling after some hardcore Mario Party, it came out that he almost never masturbates any more, either. He just doesn't want to, because it's not me, and he misses me so much that it's horribly unsatisfying. I wasn't just killing my sex drive, I was killing his. I had driven a 2-3 times a day tantric multiple orgasms jack-off guy down to a once a week, maybe. I was shredding him to pieces inside bit by bit while I sat there and ignored my lady bits.
And so, I started on a new plan. I didn't tell my boyfriend, because I was afraid of how hurt he'd be if I failed. I decided to try to force myself to jack off once a day for a few weeks, hoping that this would lead to returned libido. As usual, I didn't stick to the ambitious "every day" agenda, but I still count this as a success thus far - I'm jerking off again, and enjoying it. I'm not staring at my crotch, wondering why I feel nothing more than if I shoved my Wahl against my forearm.
I have hope. I have motivation. I don't know how long either will last, but they're a start.