My pre-sex habits endlessly frustrate my boyfriend. We jump into bed together, horny… and then don’t start foreplay. I want to cuddle for a while, which he’s ok with. But then I want to talk, and crack jokes, and be incredibly silly, and muse about deep topics. And cuddle some more. And be silly, and cuddle. And then finally jump him.
It frustrates him to no end. We decide to have sex, but then I want to do distinctly non-sex stuff for at least ten to twenty minutes. He wants to start long, teasing, heated foreplay; I want to cuddle and be silly for a while first. He gets exasperated. Why the heck do I do it?
Because I’m a tense, high-strung, stressed out workaholic. I can’t start getting sexy until I can relax, and I have a hard time relaxing. I want to cuddle and bond before we start caressing. I want to laugh and joke so I can loosen my nerves. I want to talk about crazy philosophical questions to get my brain to unwind. I need all of this to relax, because otherwise I can’t help being a tad frigid. I can’t really get into it if I’m not relaxed. If I’m tense, I have to try to “fake it till I make it,” as it were. And sometimes this backfires. He can always tell if I’m not really into it, and will stop and try to figure out what’s wrong. He’s incredibly attentive, and any sign of distress from me has him falling over himself to find out what’s wrong and fix it. If what’s wrong happens to be that I’m not really into it… it hurts him. From what he’s told me, it’s not that he feels incompetent, or feels like he can’t please me. He feels hurt because I didn’t tell him I wasn’t in the mood, that I tried to fake it to make him happy. This in turn makes me feel bad, which means I’m even farther from getting in the mood.
Now that I think about it, I often get my cuddle and de-stress time one way or another. Either we do it before gettin’ it on, or my body may revolt and end our fun.
Being stressed really puts a damper on spontaneous sex. Sex is a great way to de-stressed, but I have to get to the point where I can enjoy it, first.