Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Inside my head

I'd like to apologize to all of you, my readers, for falling apart and dropping off the radar. Due to precarious health, I've been staggering from one school deadline to the next. I've been trying very, very hard not to work myself back into either another bout of bronchitis or bad burnout. I've been trying to remember to force myself to make time for a social life, and to fan the flames of a floundering relationship with my boyfriend.

And, shock to end all shocks, I've been getting help. I've been in therapy for... gosh, almost two months now. I'm not sure whether it's helping with my GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) yet, but it's nice to have someone to talk to who can help me figure out what the hell is going on inside my head. If nothing else, my self-awareness is improving. I can now look at some of my panicky thoughts and say "hey, that's not right..." I haven't figured out how to fix said thoughts (because thoughts are slippery fellas, easy to change superficially but hard to truly alter), but knowing where the problem is must be a step in the right direction.

I've only had three full-fledged anxiety attacks this semester, and they were all very short, for me - each was under twenty minutes long. Unfortunately, my old defense mechanism against anxiety is back. I call it apathy, but I'm still highly motivated. I'm not sure what it's called, but I lose most of my desire and drive for social interaction, it becomes too much work. It makes me feel like there's a sheet of glass between me and the world, me and the future and the past. I'm still incredibly driven and high-functioning, but I'm not quite here.

Part of me wonders if that should scare me. The rest just shrugs.

I'm sorry for the lack of real posting recently. I'll try to get back to writing soon, I promise.

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