Sunday, June 7, 2009

Faith, Hope, Love... and the greatest of these is...

(self) Love. The physical love of oneself. Masturbation. Preferably with sex toys.

(Oh yes. I just went there. And before you flip, I sing in the church choir. Now, may I continue?)

Ah, sex toys. Before we discover them, they are forbidden territory: dirty, wrong, and just a little bit tantalizing, which makes them even more forbidden. To the sex toy owners, look back. Remember when you got your first. Was it from a sleazy porn store? A creepy sex toy shop on the other side of town? The back room of a lingerie store? An austere website, or a gaudy one? Amazon, or ebay perhaps?

It was probably nerve-wracking, wondering if anyone saw you buy it, or noticed the package, or would find it hidden somewhere. I think some of the luckiest are the ones who are given their first toy, as a gag gift at a party, or as a quiet gift from a good friend. The responsibility for having gone out and bought the toy doesn't lie with them... and it would be such a waste to throw it away, or let it collect dust. By the time they go to buy a replacement, some of the terror at buying a sex toy will have faded: they've owned (and used) one for a while now, and not gotten caught.

I wish I had been one of those girls, with a more experienced friend to take me aside and give me my first toy. No, I was one who had to wait until she was desperate to start scouring the web, to find some place that would be cheap, discrete, cheap, not overwhelming, cheap, and had something easy to hide. As a good little geek, where did I turn?


No, really.

I bought my first sex toy off of ebay.

I know, probably a pretty stupid thing to do. They do sell sex toys there, though. Depending on the money you're willing to shell out, they sometimes have some pretty awesome ones around. (case in point: $80+ rabbit vibrator I snagged at $5...) They seem to have more than their fair share of the dishonest seller breed among the adult products, but when you can't buy with paypal, your safety net as a buyer is limited. Buy at your own risk.

Anyway, I got pretty lucky. The payment went through without a glitch, my toy came in discretely, it worked, and I never heard from the seller again, also as I wanted. (There was that little mishap where, again on ebay, I bought 50 of the wrong size button-cell battery because none of the stores in my area sold them... but that was my mistake, so lets move along, nothing to see here)

But I have seriously digressed. This was supposed to be about giving toys to friends who never screwed up the courage to buy their first ones for themselves. Over the last few months, I've given three of my closest, dearest friends their first sex toys. I led them past the gilded gates into the glorious land of toys. And that's where the faith, hope, and love come in again.

Love: I love these girls like they were my sisters. I wanted them to be happy. My personal favorite way to beat the stress of a science major's life? Orgasm. And so, because I cared about them and wanted to make their insane lives a little bit easier, a little bit more orgasm-filled, I gave them sex toys.

Faith: I had faith (and eventually proof) that two of these friends would use my gifts for something other than a dust catcher or paperweight. I knew they were crazy, horny, self-reliant girls with enough common sense to figure out how to get those things to go, and enough ingenuity to keep them hidden from parental prying eyes. And one has probably figured out how to make a better bullet by now.

Hope: I can but hope that the third of my friends can find the, ahem, balls to do the unthinkable: use the vibrator. I'm not going to be seeing her as much anymore, as our schedules and separated campuses conspire to keep us apart, but I hope we've done enough to undo years of brainwashing that her body is something to be ashamed of, that her pleasure, be it gustatory, tactile, fleeting, enduring, sensual or cerebral, is worth pursuing. Because if anyone deserves to have her every wish granted, it's her. May your wings shine brightly, angel. And may your cloud come equipped with silicone, vibrating, multi-function, rechargeable attachments.

No comments:

Post a Comment